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Grump toddler boy

30 Hilarious Toddler Insults

We’ve all been on the receiving end of an insult from a toddler before and if you’re thinking that you’ve avoided this – consider this post mental preparation for the inevitable! Whether it’s nature or nurture, many of us have toddlers who can deliver precise, perfectly-timed insults, right when and where it hurts most!

Recently one of our Facebook community members asked about the experiences of others and we were bowled over (equal parts astonished, impressed and horrified!) and in absolute stitches with some of the responses. Here’s a roundup of some of the hilarious remarks that only babies and toddlers can get away with!

Toddler girl pulling face

1. I disciplined my four year old so he said “YOU HATE KMART”, knowing I love it. Right where it hurts…

2. After telling my daughter (who was three at the time) that I wanted to sleep in longer before I got up to make her breakfast, she came in close to my face and said, “Mum, your breath smells like perfumed sour cream!”

3. My little boy wants to marry me. He tells me this often – oh, bless the love! When I reprimanded him and sent him to his room he shouted out “I don’t want to marry you anymore. YOU’RE NOT EVEN THAT PRETTY”. Ouch!

4. Apparently I am stupid. Like a grape.

5. My son once said “I don’t like you any more, I like my daycare mummy better” – meaning his carer!

6. When my daughter was six I sent her to her room and she yelled out the window “someone save me from my evil mummy”. We live in a block of units so she would have been heard….but no one came to save her.

7. Mum: “if you don’t eat dinner now, there is no food later OR the toys will get thrown out if they aren’t packed away.” Child: “it’s OK, you’ll probably forget.”

8. I don’t get insults so much as annoyed corrections. Most memorable exchange: Me: “Don’t touch my laptop. You know the rules.” Toddler: “The rules are not the rules.”

9. Five year old son … “you’re fired Mummy!”

10. Me: “Eat your dinner please.” Child: “Yuck, dinner tastes disgusting, I don’t like it and I AM NOT EATING IT….oh but good job Mummy, thank you for cooking.”

Grump toddler boy

11. “Your boobs are so long!”

12. Put my toddler in time out and as I walked away she yelled “YEAH WELL YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE SNOW LIKE ELSA.”

13. One time I was being stroppy with the kids for not listening (again!), my youngest turned to me and said “Stop being a baby!”

14. My identical twins have insulted each other in a fight – one said to the other “I hate that you look like me…”


16. My three year old son called his preschool teacher a “silly old fart!”

17. I’ve been called a “starver” who’s “starving kids to death” when I’ve refused fourth helpings of dinner!

18. I just got a Fitbit to help me lose some weight. My three year old son had my phone and I asked for it back – he replied, “when you finish your steps”…in the tone of a personal trainer.

19. I threatened to send my three year old straight to bed without milk or stories. To which she replied: “Oh? That sounds relaxing.”

20. When my son was three, he asked me why I had cat hair under my armpit?

Girl folding arms

21. Lately I’ve been told by my three year old “you’re not invited to my birthday party Mummy.” Yeah, well good luck with that party hun!

22. My daughter is 12 now but when she was about three she was looking at photos from when I was younger and said, with utter surprise, “Mummy used to be so pretty.”

23. Six year old: “you know what’s funny Mum? You’re younger than dad, but you look older.”

24. “I wish I was a snowman.” Why is that, darling? “Then I wouldn’t have to talk to you.”

25. “Nanny made us food that didn’t come from a packet. It was good – you should try it sometime.”

26. Child: “Can we go to the park? Me: “oh I’m a bit busy this afternoon hun.” Child: “ohhh you’re worser than corona.”

27. “Daddy has gone to work, how will I ever be happy now?”

28. I received a note from my kids after I forgot to dispose of the chocolate wrappers from the night before… “you tell us to be healthy but you eat chocolate at night, me and Zoe are very very very mad, so I am going to grunt at you and Zoe is going to kill you xxx”

29. “Go back to the mummy shop! I want a new mummy.” I blame The Mummy Shop book, thanks daycare!

30. When my 12 year old was three we were watching the Mardi Gras on TV and she said “my mum is not a lesbian, she’s a vegetarian.”


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